May21

A beautiful Mind

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A few weekends past,  I had the pleasure of being a panelist  at the Rise up festival for We Are Here Scotland, an organisation “aimed at supporting and raising the voices of Black People and People of Colour creatives across Scotland.” This was my second panel but first time speaking with other creatives on mental health. 

 

Over the years my perceptions and biases have been challenged as I have gained the mental clarity to critique my own views. These have been borne largely out of beliefs held within my community and not really formed in any way by tangible evidence.

 

I’ve witnessed mental illness in the family and society in general and seen the effect it has when it’s largely ignored and gone for ages before being addressed. I’m glad to have the understanding I now have, but preparing for this panel made me realise just how much more work I needed to do, to truly understand so I may advocate for, listen and support myself and anyone that may struggle with their mental health.

The pandemic did a number on us. The isolation amplified issues we were ignoring or giving minimal attention to. In the past year, I’ve had a lot of pressure in my work and personal life but my response to it, has been vastly different to when we were in lockdown. Before, I would have kept pushing. I would have told myself to suck it up and keep it moving. But by mid- 2021 I came to the realisation that if I didn’t take a step back and rethink my wellness strategy, I was heading towards trouble.

 

I began tuning into myself, listening in to how I was truly feeling and thinking. I’m recovering from that “strong black woman” hustle mentality. It’s exhausting, depleting and worse, not that rewarding . If anything, it builds up constant high expectations from others that you feel compelled to meet. It is a vicious circle that only ends with you gravely depleted.

I’m grateful for the personal change I have had over the years, understanding that it is a process. I welcome the open conversations within the wider community, of which this was one. These are my takeaways from this discussion:

 

Community-focused

We need to have open and honest conversations about mental health in the community. We need to understand the impact of generational trauma within our families. People are more inclined to seek help if they have the support of their family and we are more likely to see more people from BIPOC communities going into therapy professions if we show a healthy respect for it and not just the traditional professions.

People are more inclined to speak to people who look like them and/or show a willingness to understand their beliefs. Our religious and community leaders can be trained to identify people that need help, refer them to professionals or be equipped to help with milder issues within these safe spaces. We need to understand that talking about our mental health is not a weakness. We can be stronger for it.

 

Intrinsic Value

It can be challenging and have a knock on ones confidence when you do not feel seen. This may manifest in either people generally choosing to not engage with you as a creative or worse, asking for free labour. For example, there is always a huge demand for black creatives during Black History Month, however artists are creating throughout the year. Often Creatives use art to express personal issues, so “If you are tapping into their trauma via their art,” consider supporting them for longer as opposed to one-off session during BHM or some other “cultural” event.” to check some diversity box.

 

Inclusion 

Inclusive language and approach reflective of the multicultural society that Scotland is, is necessary to ensure that everyone gets the help they need.

Representation, through health professionals who understand the unique needs of the BIPOC communities is essential to get people the help they seek.

Mental health manifests differently in communities and this needs to be taken into consideration in the list of “symptoms”. The triggers differ and the cultural aspect mean people react differently. The medical assessments should reflect this.

 

Access to Mental Health

We need to hold our leaders accountable and challenge them on how progress is being made to make help affordable and accessible to all. There are perceived stigmas to wellness and sometimes the spiritual element of some recommended practices can create barriers for people who feels this goes against their religious beliefs. In this light, can we look at practices such as meditation where the breath work is such a huge tool in tackling mental health issues such as anxiety, and make them inclusive without taking away from their origins?

In Zimbabwe, the The Friendship Bench (FB) project was created to tackle mental health by enlisting the help of grandmothers. 

“These grandmothers are community volunteers, without any prior medical or mental health experience, who are trained to counsel patients usually for six structured 45-minute sessions, on wooden benches within the grounds of clinics in a discrete area. is an evidence-based intervention developed in Zimbabwe to bridge the mental health treatment gap.” 

We can tap into the knowledge and wisdom  of the older generation to help with the mental burden that we carry. 

 

My big takeaway was the hope that all the panelists have for the future. We have made a home in Scotland and firmly believe in the ability of this country to do and be more, fully aware of the progress made thus far. Continued networking and collaboration through the various community groups with the wider population, will help us move forward to be a better, healthier people overall.

 

You can watch the discussion here:

References

https://www.centreforglobalmentalhealth.org/the-friendship-bench#:~:text=These%20grandmothers%20are%20community%20volunteers,clinics%20in%20a%20discrete%20area.

https://www.weareherescotland.com

“The mind can go in a thousand directions, but on this beautiful path, I walk in peace. With each step, the wind blows. With each step, a flower blooms.”

 

 

 

Jan4

New Year Slump

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2023 is upon us, and truthfully I’m not ready. There is so much unfinished business from 2022 to complete that I just can’t get my head round to moving into a new way of thinking.

I stopped setting goals around new years, a few years ago. It’s a highly stressful time, what with the festive season activities and the general exhaustion from a year of work. It just didn’t make sense to me anymore to set the tone for the year in the midst of all the upheaval. I am still contemplating, sifting and sorting and trying on everything for size. Eventually I’ll settle in some key goals.

There is an underlying pressure to have goals set and start on some new way of being at the beginning of the year. My main goal last year was to not diet, which I followed. I gained weight significantly and while the thought of losing that weight scares the living daylights out of me, I know I made the right decision for my long term health. I am still researching and trying to find a truly healthy approach to this conundrum and whilst there is so much information out there, I am yet to find a sustainable process to follow.

I’ve been sleeping so much, planning very little and doing next to nothing and I have come to realise just how E X H A U S T E D, I am. If I could afford it, I would check myself into a hotel and sleep for another week.

I think there was a pressure to do so much in 2022, that I barely came out for air. The unspoken need to make up for two years of restrictions meant I was saying yes, without really checking in. Despite all the attention to mental health and well-being, the reality is that we haven’t fully caught up with the idea. There is still a great desire to do as much as possible in the time one has, because one thing the pandemic taught us was, time is not guaranteed.

So, I am in a new year, not feeling particularly renewed or refreshed, despite a week and a half’s break. I’m picking up where I left off, with half the desire I had in 2022 because the time away has reminded me of what really matters, and it isn’t any of this stuff!

But , we are in a recession! So here I am at 3 in the morning, struggling to sleep and writing instead, with my first day back in the office hours away!

Where I’d rather be.

May17

To have loved and lost

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May is a bitter-sweet month for me. Some of my most favourite people in the world celebrate their birthdays in this month and the weather is pleasant with spring in full swing. Daffodils line the borders of the garden beds and lawns are ready for their first trim.

I look out the window, into my back garden. It has been raining all day but I am actually pleased as I spent the weekend weeding and planting. The magnolia tree is in bloom, even though it’s only 4 feet tall at the moment. We planted it in memory of my late mother and brother in law. I look forward to the years when I can finally enjoy its shade, as though I were in her arms again. I’m always looking for ways to connect with my mother and having been an avid gardener, I feel her presence amongst leafy souls.

“Grief is a cruel kind of education.” Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie – Notes on Grief

Years after my mum died, I was consumed with anger. I was 25 when she passed, recently married and had relocated to Edinburgh. Life felt good, so it’s no understatement that I felt blindsided; cheated on what were meant to be rosier days. The days after she passed, I was in a bubble. Family and friends rallied around us and provided us with the support and comfort we desperately needed to come to terms with our loss. However, time moved on and so did people. The cocoon, that kept me from the wrath of loss I was ill-prepared to deal with, was gone. We were not special anymore, after all, everyone loses someone. The guilt was instant, “if I was there, maybe I could have done something.” Of course this all comes from an egotistical place within. When I could not carry the guilt any longer, I found something else to focus all that pain on. I blamed God. He was supposed to be omnipotent and my mother prayed everyday, dedicating her time and resources in praise of Him. So, of all the people in the world, why her? That question consumed me for a long time.

“You ain’t felt grief, till you felt it sober.” Kendrick Lamar – Mother I Sober

With the benefit of hindsight, I understand that the anger saved me from deeper depths I may not have been able to crawl out from. Over the years, I have come to marry the joy of life with the sense of loss that never quite leaves you. Overcoming grief is a constant practice in resilience. In looking for connections, you also have to feel the loss. I had deitified her in my memory but the burden of anger became a toll I could no longer bear. Over the years, I have revisited my roots with fresh eyes, no romanticism but simply the reality of what was.

“The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain.”

⁃ Gabor Mate

My mother was my anchor; she gave meaning to my life because I was still building my own. Even though we were thousand of miles apart, I wasn’t ready to let go of her support, never mind losing her completely. The sad part is, memories do fade. We get older and the details are murkier which is frustrating. I kept the last text she sent me for the longest time “Miss you. So many nyayas, no one to talk to.”

Sometimes when I struggle to recall certain memories, I worry it’s because I spent so many years angry instead of cherishing what I had. I look at my daughter, and I grieve the love she will never receive from her maternal mother. I know she would have been loved fiercely and spoilt rotten. I see so much of my mother in her.

Some questions have no answers, and some wounds do not heal. But life still demands that we show up; so that’s what I do, everyday. Except today, 17 years later also on a Tuesday, my heart bleeds.

There is no grief, like the grief that does not speak – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Jan10

One and another

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Breathe on my face

That I may smell your inner being

Let me feel the tingling of your presence on the tips of my hairs

As my cells vibe with yours and we rise into our highest selves.

How beautiful is it that I am in you and you in me?

Jul16

I tried ….

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First attempt at audio visual poetry!

I tried to be different

Tried to walk with the crowd

Wings clipped under armpits drenched in sweaty desires.

I tried to laugh with them like I cared for their jargon.

Who was I to hold my chest up, chin up into the breezy, dizzy air of opportunity.

I tried so hard until it broke me

They laughed and called me weak.

“How can she fail to do what comes so easily for us?”

Wounded with inward anger I chose what was easy for me too!

I soared, above their heads, above the clouds.

I rose high into the mountains and found those like me.

Those who did so easily what I’d strived to hide.

In fear I tried to be less than

Misplaced loyalty and a fear of change

I tried so hard it broke me,

And in my failure I found greatness unbound.

Jul15

Legacy

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“They stole her from me!”

That is all he spoke of.

The misery of his loss.

From dawn till dusk

That is all he breathed.

And when nighttime came.

That is all they remembered of him .

⁃ legacy

Apr23

Green fingers: Day 1

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So after a couple of weeks of postponing,I finally made in into the garden and did some much needed work. Don’t get me wrong, I love gardening but after a very busy first quarter of the year, I felt like I needed some time to disengage from  anything requiring a lot of effort. 

I’m so glad I did though, being out in the sun (and chilly air 😳) was just what I needed; coupled with some good music, I was in heaven! I had just a few  of things on my to do list; attacking the weeds in  my flowerbeds and along the boundary fence, raking the lawn and potting my seeds.  But  I also managed to unweed my vegetable patch and put some order back in the shed! I just didn’t want to get back in the house. Hunger and fatigue finally got the best of me. 

The most important part is I felt calm, as if the world was spinning a little slower. Nothing really matters to me when I’m in the garden. I can stay in the moment and be present. I’m already looking forward to the weekend just for another dose of fresh air and lightness. 

Feeling blessed! 

Before

After 

Feb28

Forceful

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Don’t be a whirlwind my love, Fiercely roaming the lands 

Leaving destruction in your path. 

Don’t be a storm at sea, fighting the waters

No one sees that far 

Don’t be the wind in the hills 

Smashing into the boulders, 

With no real place to go! 

Or lightning, with a split second of a chance.

To make its mark. 

You my child, are the bright summer sun warming the soils. 

You are the steady rains, beckoning the seeds to plant. 

Even when the world gives you every reason to show your wrath,

You my dear, are the principled force that moulds the earth. 

Jan25

Carb Cycling – Restart your New Year’s resolution. 

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(This article was first published in Chica magazine)

So you have made the decision that 2017 will be the year you finally lose the weight! But weeks in, with little to show it’s all starting to feel like it wasn’t worth it. I’ve been there too! When I decided that I was going to lose the fat, I thought it would be very simple; eat less, move more. This is the general guideline to many a weightloss plans and while this serves as a great starting point, in my experience it isn’t the full story. 

It is true that you could eat a healthy balanced diet but if you consume more calories than your body requires, the excess will be stored as fat which leads to weight gain. However, in my experience trying to release this fat is not as easily done by simply eating less and moving more. When I realised that my efforts to lose weight were not gaining as much traction as I’d hoped, I joined a fitness training group and with it, gained a wealth of knowledge. One of the most important things I learned and included in my weightloss program was carb cycling. 

Not all carbs are created equal 

Carbohydrates form part of the three macronutrients the body requires; carbohydrates, protein and fat. And while carbohydrates provide the body with energy, the manner in which our bodies absorb this nutrient is important if one is trying to lose weight. In order to lose weight you need to do two things; burn the body fat you currently have and stop creating new body fat. 
In order to achieve the latter, the amount and type of carbs we eat and when we eat them becomes essential. This is basically the heart and soul of carb cycling. Unfortunately, carbs get a real bad wrap in the weightloss world but in reality we need carbs, they provide us with much needed energy which is easy for our bodies to convert. But the issue with carbs is more to do with the hormone Insulin; without it, our bodies cannot convert glucose into fat. Simple carbs like white bread, potatoes and candy, however, quickly trigger the release of insulin which is not ideal if your goal is to lose body fat. If you are constantly consuming a high carb diet this process will create body fat and also make it difficult for you to burn the fat you already have. Carb cycling helps to circumvent this process by timing your carb intake with times when your body needs it most; after an intense workout. What this does, is ensure that the carbs go towards replenishing the glycogen levels in our liver and muscles. 
Once I had made the decision to lose weight, I changed my diet to include more complex carbs: White rice was replaced by brown rice, and potatoes with sweet potatoes. When digested, complex carbs are released slowly into the body and as such, do not cause a spike in insulin which is the catalyst for fat storage. Complex carbs not only provide energy to the body, they also tend to have a high fiber content and more micronutrients. It is very important, when one is trying to lose weight to do this in a heathy manner and choosing foods complete with nutrients is a smart move. Combined with carb cycling, consuming complex carbs provides your body with a better chance to burn body fat. 

Calories in, calories out

It is very important to create a calorie deficit, through exercise and consuming less calories to encourage your body to use your current fat stores as fuel. When carb cycling you consume carbs at a time that supports this goal. The best time to consume carbs is soon after a workout. At this time, your glycogen levels in your muscles have been depleted; eating carbs at this time ensures that these are used to replenish your stores and not to create fat stores. This however means that on non work out days, you do not consume any carbs. This is a huge challenge as carbs generally help us feel sated. On this day, you would increase the percentage of calories derived from healthy fats as these will help you feel fuller for longer. 

What it looks like

Supposing your workout days are Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday your carb cycling schedule would look like this:

Monday evening workout – Carbs with dinner
Tuesday rest day – zero carbs

Wednesday early morning workout – Carbs with Breakfast

Thursday evening workout – Carbs with dinner 

Friday rest day – Zero carbs 

Saturday mid morning workout – Carbs with lunch 

Sunday rest day – Low carb intake.
I typically do not work out on a Sunday but I do consume carbs on this day. I give myself a break from the schedule but ensure that I do not go beyond my daily calorie goal or maximum carb intake. 

It’s a lifestyle! 

My weightloss journey has transformed itself into a lifestyle change. Ultimately you want to make changes that you are able to maintain inorder to keep the weight off. Carb cycling can be a challenge on those zero carb days but I have found that going back to the reason why I was on this journey in the first place has provided me with motivation to get through the zero carb days. As part of the journey I also keep a food diary using Myfitnesspal and interesting enough I have found that I am still able to get some carb intake through vegetables. It is therefore important to avoid sweet and starchy vegetables; fruits are also off the menu on these days. It’s important to ensure that you eat enough on these days as it’s very easy to under-eat when you take out carbohydrates from your meal plan which only serves to lower your metabolism. This is where foods high in fat can be of good service as they provide a high calorie content per gram. My go-to foods on zero carb days are mushrooms, broccoli, avocados, nuts and natural Greek yoghurt.
As the saying goes, the weightloss journey is 80% diet and 20% workout; carb cycling takes this into account. This method can be tailored to meet your requirements and to suit your fitness routine. While there is no calorie restriction, if you are planning to lose some body fat, you will need to know how much calories your body needs to slowly release that body fat. There are tools available online such as Myfitnesspal to help with this. Some people do not like counting calories and choose to use portion control instead. This too, is a good method. 

You can do it!

The weightloss journey can be an adventure on self discovery. It will test your mindset, it will question what really matters to you and it will encourage you to put yourself first and prioritise those things necessary for a heathy lifestyle. Working on these areas will encourage you to choose the right foods; you won’t do it all the time, but you will do it more often than before until they become the main choices.  
Renewed confidence, belief in myself and an enhanced positive perspective on life have been the unexpected benefits for me. And interestingly, they reinforced my determination to keep going; a gift that keeps on giving. With the internet literally at our fingertips, healthy and most importantly, delicious meals are a search away. There are many people documenting their journeys on social media sites and they provide a great source of healthy meals you can adopt. A lot of fitness experts and nutritionists also post their meals online and these are worth adopting. 
Make the decision, you’re worth it! 

 

Red peppers stuffed with mince, topped with feta cheese; served with creamy mushroom and kale. 

Jan11

Is it worth it? 

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Is it worth it? 

Today, I found myself having to make a difficult phone call to someone who I perceive to be difficult (I’m working on it). We’d gone back and forth on emails and I decided that I would bite the bullet and get the (non) issue resolved.
Ordinarily, I would be happy to take on board any feedback so long as I feel that I have been heard and understood. But, two minutes into the call, I sensed I wasn’t being heard at all and any efforts on my part to push this through would be futile. So while this individual went on and on about what they thought I “should” have done I listened quietly. A few times she cajoled me with rhetorical questions but I didn’t bite. Something in me just would not let me get in the mud ring with her. And it is in this calm that I heard her mumble and stumble over her words and repeat herself over and over . I also heard myself; the many times in the past that I have engaged in redundant arguments because I felt the need to be heard or understood.    
It is an underlying desire for us to feel that another person sees us and understands where we are coming from. But often we seek this in places that are unaccommodating and then act surprised when we find ourselves in a disagreement. 
I read somewhere that in such situations, you have to choose to be either happy or right. In that quiet space, I chose happy and still got what I wanted out of the situation. Some people, love to rant and rave. Lesson learned: You don’t have to take part in it.